The Garden

I love gardens. I love flowers, I love bushes, I love trees, I love the fragrance they bring, and I even love leaves. I love everything about gardens. When I was a little girl, I always thought I've have a house out in the country with a beautiful flower garden. While I did have the house in the country, and I did have flowers...lots of them...it wasn't a garden, and it wasn't very pretty. But I love arboretums, and I love visiting the botanical garden. There's something calming, soothing, and relaxing about it. I love the chance to ride my bike around the botanical garden in Fayetteville. There's something about being in beautiful nature that reminds me of the creative God we serve, and the beauty he has given us.

Today, I stumbled across the Collingsworth Family's recording of In the Garden. It was just a piano arrangements, but I didn't need reminding of the words. I have them memorized.

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses

And He walks with me, and He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own

That was it. I lost it.

I've been struggling for years with feeling like my faults and failures separate me from God forever and I will never be able to make it up to Him. I am His own? So reassuring and so calming to know that He waits for me to come! He wants to spend time with me and tell me I am His own!

And the joy we share
As we tarry there, none other has ever known

Joy. It's a concept I've preached on several times, but honestly, never really grasped for myself. Oh, I can define it. I can recognize it in others, but unfortunately, I can fake it. I never really took hold of the joy that available because honestly, I never felt worthy of it.

He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing

The birds hush? Around here, the birds don't hush for anything. They're loud! But even animals recognize the voice of God. It's true. All creation testifies. So why is it, that His greatest creation doesn't recognize His voice to see His hand at work? He created us in His image, and yet, all other creation recognizes the God of the universe.

And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing

Melody. I love to sing. I don't really have the opportunity at all anymore to sing publicly, and I miss it. The other day, my husband, while trying to comfort me said, "You can still sing in the car." He meant well. He really did. And I don't despise his words. But my husband likes to ride his bicycle...like 25 miles. Him telling me to sing in the car seemed to me like I should tell him that he could just ride my exercise bike in the dining room.  While I miss singing in church, and I miss telling a testimony in song, most of all, I realize that I can have the melody in my heart. As long as He is with me, He gives me a melody of love in my heart.

And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known

Macaroni and Cheese (Healthier Version)

Part of being a mother, in my opinion, is making the kids' favorite foods once in a while. Since we've been trying to live healthier, I have neglected cooking for the most part except for our meat. We usually eat grilled meat and raw vegetables and fruit. The kids asked for my macaroni and cheese yesterday, so I decided to play with the receipe to see if I could come up with a healthier version. It turned out pretty well.

Macaroni and Cheese
2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni, boiled and drained
1 cup skim milk
2 eggs, beaten (or egg beaters if you have them will make it even healthier)
2 cups fat-free cheese, shredded
1/2 cup plain non-fat greek yogurt
1 can Campbell's cheddar cheese soup (I wish I could find a substitute for this)
2 tbsp. margarine

Stir all the ingredients together in a crock-pot and cook on low for 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

Nutritional Information (1/2 cup serving)
Calories: 117
Fat: 4.44
Carbs: 13.2
Fiber: 1.22
Protein: 7.87

Skinny (and good) Chicken Salad

1 Tyson Grilled and Ready Chicken Breast Chopped
4 Green Onions
3 tbsp. fat-free mayonnaise
freshly ground black pepper to taste

So, basically, you just mix all this together, and voila! you have chicken salad (and it honestly makes enough for more than 1 sandwich). I personally eat mine on 40 calorie Nature's Own Honey Wheat Bread, but you can eat your's on Special K Cracker Chips or whatever you want. I used to make this with canned chicken, but I recently discovered that Tyson Grilled and Ready Chicken is just as easier and sooooo much healthier.

Nutritional Information
Calories: 149
Fat: 2
Carbohydrates: 11.4
Fiber: 1.6
Protein: 22.2

Skinny Eating

I've always been a foodie. You can look at me and tell that I love to eat. I love flavor. I love cooking, and I love sharing my love of food and cooking!

It's only in the last few months that I've embraced...truly embraced the fact that I will not live forever. And if I don't change my eating habits...and those of my children, I won't be around or healthy enough to enjoy my grandchildren. Heath and I have started working out as much as time allows and we've started eating healthier. I quickly grew tired, however, of salad and plain boring grilled chicken, so I had to get creative. The best part about this whole new healthy lifestyle, though is that I've discovered new foods and new ingredients to make old time favorite recipes healthier. I made the following recipe tonight, and I have to say, I did pretty good!

The great thing about these little cheesecake cups is that they're healthy, and they actually contribute to your body. They're low calories and insanely high in protein!

Lemon Cheesecake Cups

9 cupcake liners

9 reduced fat vanilla wafers

8 oz. Greek Yogurt cream cheese (Yes, there is such a thing sold at Walmart)

1/4 cup sugar in the raw

1 tsp. vanilla

5 1/2 oz. cup of vanilla non-fat Greek yogurt

2 large egg whites (I'm going to experiment with egg beaters later)

3 tbsp. lemon juice

1 tbsp. all purpose flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place a vanilla wafer in the bottom of each cupcake liner. 

Beat cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla in a bowl until well blended. Gradually add in remaining ingredients and evenly fill the cupcake liners. Bake in preheated oven for 20-30 minutes or until set. 

Cool until room temperature and then place in the refrigerator until chilled. I serve mine topped with fresh fruit (raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, etc.)

Nutritional Information per serving:

Calories: 106

Fat: 3

Carbohydrates: 13

Fiber: 0.5

Protein: 6.3 (Yes, you read that right!)

Home

The time has come. We have officially signed a contract to sell our home. Home. It's kind of a strange word, isn't it? It's short, not extravagant, and really, well, kind of...homely. The fact that the end is nearing...fast in fact, only 13 days away has got me to asking the question, "What is home?" To me, it's always been a welcoming place. It's a place where you always feel welcome, loved, and safe. This house on Cooper Drive has been that for me. So much in fact, that I have cried about the prospect of leaving it for weeks now. When the time comes for me to pull out of the driveway for the last time, I hope I'm not driving. I will be crying like a baby. This house (and the land) has been my safe place to land during the tumultuous last four years. It's the only house that I have ever lived in that was entirely owned by the occupants. No one could tell me if I could/couldn't paint. No one had access to it besides Heath and me, and best of all, if I didn't feel like mowing the lawn...I didn't have to!

How will I leave my home. The home I love so much? I've moved a LOT in my lifetime, but everytime I've ever moved from a home, I've had a greater, vivid picture of life ahead of me. This time, I know it's all in God's plan that we're moving on, but I really can't see a vivid picture. All I see is a duplex that really needs to be clean before my stuff is going in!

But what is home, really? In Jeanette Oak's series, Love Comes Softly, Missy says that home is a place where "you always feel safe and you're always loved." As I was throwing yet another pity party, as seems to be the norm here lately, I realized that I have a home. My family is my home. Wherever Heath and my children are...that is home. It doesn't matter to me in what "house" we may reside. My home is the life partner that God gave to me. He is a place where I feel welcome, loved, and safe. Welcome to share my heart. Loved enough that he sacrifices his own possessions, agendas, and even his health for me on a daily basis. And safe enough that he would die for me without hesitation. I am incredibly blessed.

So I'm interested to know...where is your home?

No Greater Joy

Tonight the kids and I were driving home. As has become our custom lately, when it's just them and me, we sing together along with the radio or my ipod. After about the 3rd song, sung in 3 part harmony, I realized that my childhood has come full circle.

When I was a kid, my family would sing in the car. Our parents didn't just engage in their own conversation in the front seat, leaving us to sit quietly in the back. They engaged us, and I honestly believe that because of this, my sister and I love to sing Christian music to this day.

I want my kids to sing. I want them to feel free to praise the Lord in song, any chance they get, and I honestly think...it just might be working!

While I was driving, I was thinking about the words they were singing. I don't even know if they realize the words they're singing, but they've got them memorized. They're singing lines such as...

"We want to praise Jesus for His many blessings, He's been so good to us"
"I'm not gonna walk away, I've got too much at stake. I've come to far to turn back now!"
"I could never praise Him enough"
"Tell the mountain just how big your God is!"

I'm so thrilled that they're memorizing these words...but I know, they're not just words. Just like when I was a kid singing songs that were full of words, those words have proven to come back to me in times when I needed them most.

I thought of the seeds that are being sown through those songs, and it makes my heart smile.

Inadequate

I'm the first the admit that I am woefully inadequate as a mother. I fail often, I fail daily, and I fail HARD. I question myself continually, and I second-guess myself more often than I'm certain.

I'm a mother, and I feel like I'm a horrible one. But I love my children more than I love myself. I would die for them. I would protect them at any cost, and I'm gladly giving up my adult years to try my hardest to invest in them. They come first, and I don't begrudge a single moment.

I've recently discovered a website geared at ministering to women who are the stage of life such as myself. The authors have written books on topics such as being a good mother, being a good wife, and trying to juggle motherhood, careers, being a wife, and trying to maintain some semblance of self. The trap I find myself in most often is that when I read the books aimed at trying to equip and help me, I just find that I'm beating myself up because I'm not doing the things they described. I don't feel like I ever get it right. I look at other Godly mothers and women, and I just wish that I could have one day like them!

And in the midst of my prayers to God to make me better, I realize that He is already...and He HAS already. As inadequate as I am, I do realize God's work in me since I first became a mother almost 12 years ago. I realize that any good mother WILL constantly second-guess every decision, and every good mother will always feel inadequate.

I get questions from others daily about my decision to homeschool, and I get unwanted opinions and suggestions almost as regular. I have remind myself that these are only tactics of Satan to sideline me from focusing on the task at hand. I realize all too well that my time with them is limited, and that is why I so desperately want to do this right. I don't get any do-over's or second chances. My grandchildren's future is dependent! Sigh! More stress!

I can say that I do a few things right, however:

1) My kids know I love them.
2) My first priority is for them to know HIM

If I can just get these things right, I'll be okay. I cling to the promises to Scripture that He will bless my efforts and that the Word of the Lord will not return void. Thank you, Lord, for my children. I know that they were not given to me on accident, and I am grateful for the privilege of serving YOU in this capacity.

God's Timing

God's timing has always meant one thing for me: wait. I recognize the importance of waiting on Him as well as the divine plan that only He knows for me. I recognize that God's plan is the best plan, and I wholeheartedly am open to His leading and direction.

However, God always seems to take so long! Until now. It seems that the days don't have enough time in them, and the weeks are flying by. Looming. I'm afraid we're going to miss the springtime window to list our house because it's not ready. And just when I'm getting a grasp that we have three weeks to finish, someone expresses interest. Serious interest. I'm over-the-moon happy that someone wants our house, and I'm thrilled at the prospect of who wants it. It's someone we know.

It's someone we know. It's someone we care about. Therefore, my heart, soul, and most thoughts are centered toward doing what's best for the people interested in our house. I want to do a good job on the renovations, and I want to help these people any way I can. Therefore...there's more stress.

God's timing seems to be coming pretty quickly these days...there's no waiting around this time. He's moving...fast! So fast in fact that my back hurts, my thighs are screaming, and my feet just want to stop!

It's a mystery to me. Why do I always wait and wait and wait impatiently for God to move, and then when He does, I'm screaming, "Slow down!" His strength is perfect for me, and these days, I'm just praying for stamina. How can I follow Him when I'm running ahead or running behind?

I have no doubt that He will help us to get things completed in the timeframe He has in mind. But will I be ready? Or will my inward-bent nature try to control the situation (and timeline) once again?

If I'm honest, what I'm most worried about is me...and Heath. Will we be able to go to work still and work on the house when we're off? Will we have any time at all to spend together? We work well together, but believe me, we do have our intense moments of fellowship from time to time.

I don't know if there's an answer to the questions or situations that plague my mind, but I'm trust Him to lead, provide, guide, and move.

Legacy

I've been thinking a lot lately about the legacy we leave behind for our children. Heath's mom passed away recently, and as is custom, her children received things left for them in her will. Last week, Heath and I had a will made...just to protect our kids if something should happen unexpectedly.

As we were outlining our final wishes, it felt a bid morbid, scary, but I think it put a lot of things in perspective for me. We were talking about who should get custody of our children, money, property, and our material possessions. But no one ever said anything about the memory we would leave behind in their minds.

If something should happen to me and Heath today, and our children are raised by someone else, what will they remember? Will they remember parents who were stressed out and just put work ahead of them? Will they remember family dinners sat round the TV? Will they remember all the times I took my stress out on them?

I can't let that happen.

I was blessed to have a legacy of faith, unconditional love, and acceptance bestowed upon me when I was growing up. Not only that, but I was taught a tireless work ethic and the importance of loving my neighbor as myself. I want more than a fat college fund, for my children to have a legacy of holiness and Christ-likeness. I want them to remember fun family times that we spent together, and not just yearly vacations...  I want them to see the value of hard work, and the worth in investing in other people and in God's kingdom.

What can I do today in the midst of laundry, homeschool, and house renovations? I can speak kindly, hug a little longer, and teach them alongside my work. It won't take too long. I've just got to be intentional.

The I AM

This week Heath and I were cleaning up and cleaning out. We started into the task...a task I always hate...cleaning out closets and junk rooms...yes, I said rooms...don't judge. Anyway, I came across a framed print someone had given us for our office years ago. Isaiah 61 is on the print which says, "1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6 And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast."

I couldn't get past verse 2 without crying, thinking about the chapter of our lives that is apparently over. The years of pastoring people...knowing that the Spirit of God anointed us was, to put it lightly, AWESOME. I got to tell hurting people every day that Jesus could set them free...not only that...but people CAME on PURPOSE to church to hear those messages. Every Sunday I used to be in awe that people actually came ON PURPOSE to hear me preach!

But that chapter of my life is over, and I'm kind of lost. Well, I'm not KIND of lost...I am lost. I don't really know what to do with myself. I've started teaching Sunday School at our church, and Heath and I are involved in the media aspect at church, but I'm not pastor anymore. I feel at times like I'm letting God down by not being in a position to tell people about Him full-time. People used to expect me to talk about God, but now...there's no expectation.

This morning I got up to study my Sunday School lesson, and I read a devotion first. This is an excerpt that I read probably 4 times....


"Backtrack and remember all the places I've been faithful in your life. And know with assurance. And boldness. And confidence. I AM. I AM the same faithful God."


Wow...Finally, the thought hit me. I have changed positions, roles, seasons of life...but He hasn't. He is still the great I AM, and He is still faithful.


I've always been a person that boasted that I liked change. I like rearranging furniture. I like to travel, I like new fashions, and I like new foods...but if I'm honest, changes in seasons of life scare the mess out of me. I know I've been harping on this for a while but I'm scared.


But i have to remember. The God who consoled Elijah in the changes of seasons of his life is the same God who hears me, who is faithful to me, and who has a plan for me. I may never preach in another pulpit again, but I have a place in His ministry. I can't wait to see what it is.

'Til the Storm Passes By

We're struggling right now. All four of us are sick, Heath and I still have to go to work, and therefore, there is no energy, desire, ambition, or drive at all to do household tasks such as laundry, dishes, cooking, or grocery shopping. I have no time to take myself or anyone else to any doctor even because I can't take anybody else out in the cold. Geez, ugh, sigh!!! I think I may just take the whole family to the walk-in clinic tomorrow. I literally made a medicine chart to make sure everyone gets their medicine on time and no one is overdosed. The house is a wreck, there's nothing to eat, and I'm overwhelmed.

I'm reminded though that I really have it easy. When I was a kid, my mom was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis, and my daddy had no family around to help with us. He was torn whether to stay with my mom, take us home so we wouldn't have to see her so sick, or pastor the church.

He adopted a song that has comforted our family for three decades:

In the dark of the midnight have I oft hid my face
While the storms howl above me and there's no hiding place
Mid the crash of the thunder
Precious Lord, hear my cry
Keep me safe 'til the storm passes by

'Til the storm passes over, 'til the thunder sounds no more
'Til the clouds roll forever from the sky
Hold me fast, let me stand
In the hollow of thy hand
Keep me safe 'til the storm passes by