Waiting

I have spent the majority of my life waiting. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait until I got my driver's license. Then I waited to graduate from high school. I went to college and then waited to get married. Then all I wanted was to graduate from college. I waited for that too.

Nowadays, I do a different kind of waiting. I've waited for job promotions. I've waited for vacations, and right now, I'm waiting my income tax refund to arrive. Mostly though, I just wait on Heath to get home from work.

I've realized that I keep waiting on things to happen, never really taking the time to enjoy the moment or time that I'm given. I know we all have heard the cliches that are on bumper stickers or our Facebook walls, "Enjoy today because tomorrow is never promised," or "Today only happens once." Whatever cliche you've heard, it's likely that you're like me. You nod your head in agreement and even mentally assent that those sayings are true. And while they are perfectly true, we rarely live by them.

I've spent my entire life waiting...always waiting for the next thing to happen so that I can enjoy the moment, but I'm a very impatient person. I've thought about this issue of waiting for so long, that I can fully picture myself in 40-50 years, checked into my nursing home, settled in my hospital bed, waiting to die. You may laugh at my thoughts, but if I'm not careful, before I know it, this picture will be my reality.

Why am I like this? I honestly think that my lack of self-confidence has kept me from believing that I have something to offer the world...just the way I am now...and with the resources I have now.

It's true that I won't get a "do-over" for today, and that I'm not promised tomorrow. Today I will play with my children. I will love my husband. I will let the dishes sit in the sink a few more hours, and I will walk over to meet my neighbor in the yard. I will sit on the porch and enjoy the nice weather and thank God for the blessing of today.

What am I waiting for? I don't know. Life is here. I don't want to wish it away anymore.

Never in my "Wildest" Dreams

Today I was viciously attacked by 2 dogs. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would've even been in a position to get attacked. I was going to feed my church attender's dogs this weekend while she was out of town, so I stopped by this morning for her to "show" me how to do it. During her dog feeding lesson, 2 of her dogs started to fight with one another. She was attempting to break them up when 2 of her other dogs attacked me. The whole thing probably lasted 60 seconds, but it was the longest 60 seconds of my life. One clamped down on my upper right arm and wouldn't let go. His jaws were locked. The other bit and bit and bit on my lower left arm and left leg until I was left a bloody and sickening mess. I somehow got away and ran to the car where Heath and the kids were waiting. They had no idea of what had just happened. My flesh was hanging out of my shirt and the kids were terrified.

As we drove to the hospital, I could hear Faith sobbing and praying for me. The only thing I could think about was trying to comfort her and reassure her that everything would be "okay," although I admit, I didn't really know what "okay" was going to be. I just knew that God was in control and that as long as God is still God, we're "okay."

I won't bore you further with the gory details, but I am burdened for my church attender. Most people would ask why I feel sorry for the owner of these vicious animals...yes, they are vicious. I mentioned earlier that she is a church attender along with her husband who have become our friends. She's a babe in Christ, and her husband still has yet to know Christ. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know that my reaction to them during this time will reflect upon Christ. I cannot and so desperately am afraid of tarnishing His image to them and to the Church watching on.

I am burdened and am very careful about the image I portray, not just as a pastor but as a Christian who bears His very Name. When we are wronged, attacked, mistreated, disrespected, abused, overlooked, battered, and gossiped about, our reaction reflects upon Him. How do you respond? Will He be proud of you?

How I Shaved $12000 a year off our family budget

Several years ago, I started looking for more, better, and practical ways to save money. Pastors don't make a lot, and the Bible urges us to be good stewards of the resources He gives us. In addition, I realized that the old saying, "A penny saved is a penny earned," is actually true. I've just sat down this morning and realized that this past year, I have shaved over $12,000 off our family's expenditures. I'm pretty impressed with myself if I do say so myself! Here's how I did it:

• Couponing: Apparently, couponing has become a fad. I didn't start it because it was trendy. I started couponing to provide for my family. I admit that I have become obsessed with finding any and all available coupons, but because I am so spastic, I am able to save $5200 a year! Before I started using coupons, my family's weekly grocery budget (including food, pet food, and cleaning supplies) averaged at $150/week. Thanks to my thrifty attitude, I have cut that budget to only $50/week. (I will post more details on how I do this later).
  
• Newspaper subscription: I was spending $15/month on a newspaper subscription before, but I noticed that really, the only thing it was getting used for was the coupons and to use the leftover paper as a fire starter in the fire place. Any interesting stories I want to read are available online for free! I have a weekend-only subscription for the newspaper (for coupons only) for only $6/month! I saved $108 a year by cutting the paper!
• Trash Service: My trash service made me incredibly angry last year when they didn't pick up my trash for 3 whole weeks but wanted to bill me for it. I terminated my account with the service and started dropping my trash off in the dumpster at church. Now, I know that this is not realistic for most people, but our church's dumpster is only used once a week when the janitor comes and it is NEVER full. In addition, we recycle and use the garbage disposal, so our waste is kept to a minimum. If there is nowhere for you to dump the trash, consider trying to reduce your waste to a bare minimum and sharing one service with a neighbor or friend. Most companies allot you 4 trash bags/week, and if you cut each of your trash to only 2 bags, you can get away with it! This saves me $300/year!
• Eating Out: We all know that eating out frequently costs a lot of money, but it was costing us a LOT of money. Since I started couponing, my cupboards and freezer are WELL stocked, and a lot of food was going to waste just because I was too tired (and lazy) to cook. We have cut our eating out to special occasions and Sundays only. I prepare one meal on Monday night and cook enough to last for Tuesday's dinner as well. I only cook 3-4 times a week, and it's enough to last the entire week! This saved us $3000/year!
• Cell Phone Plan: There is no way to avoid having a cell phone in this day and time. It goes without saying that if you still have a land line, turn it off! It is a needless service with cell phone plans that are available. At any "rate," Heath and use ATT as our cell phone carrier, and we use the 700 shared minutes as our "base plan." Most people have no idea, however, that you can yo-yo your cell phone plan. I closely monitor our cell phone usage. When we get close to the edge of our minutes allotment, I change the rate plan to the next plan up, in our case, the 1400/month plan. With the 1400/month plan, we are able to set up our A list. This list allows us to choose 5 people that we call the most, make a list of them, and these minutes are "free." One month, we use the 1400/month plan with the A list, and this ALWAYS banks us rollover minutes. The next month, I change our plan back to the 770 minutes/month plan, and we use up those rollover minutes. Yo-Yo cell phone plans have saved us $120/year. It may not seem a like a lot to most people, but that's savings nonetheless! Here's another option to consider: We all know that adding a line to our plan is fairly simple and only adds $10/month (without data plan of course). Consider sharing a plan with CLOSE friends or family to save you all money in the end!
• Cable Television: Several months ago, we were faced with a major deduction in our income, and we were looking for drastic deductions in our budget as well. One of the few things we could come up with was to turn off our cable television. I admit, this one was painful for me. We were paying $50/month previously for cable, and this cut that expense totally. How do we survive, you ask? We watch Hulu.com, bought a subscription to Netflix streaming for only $7.99/month, and we log on periodically to TV networks' websites to watch our favorite shows after they've aired. To be honest, we really haven't missed it, it's been good for the kids, and it's saved us $600/year!
• Heating Source: Two years ago, we bought a 2800 square foot house. It's great to have so much room, but the first electric bill I received after it turned cold sent me into shock! Our utilities doubled. I decided that month that we had to do something, so I turned to the beautiful fireplace for help. We actually started using the beautiful fireplace for more than an eye-catching feature to our living room. We called around for the best prices on firewood, and voila! We've saved $1200/year by switching to wood heat!
• Rewards Points: We use credit cards...gasp! I know, Christians aren't supposed to use credit cards, BUT I've figured out a way to save WHILE using credit cards. We have disciplined ourselves to use them responsibly and to pay off the balance in full each month to avoid paying fees and interest. In return, our credit score has skyrocketed, giving us the opportunity for the highest tier of cards with our credit card companies. These cards pay you for using them in the form of reward points. Every time we make a purchase with these cards, we earn reward points which in turn earn us prizes such as gift cards, gas cards, electronics, and even toys. Disciplined use of these cards has saved us on average $520/year!
• Hotel Rewards: We travel a lot for the church, family vacations, and due to the fact that our family lives so far away. I realized a few years ago, that most hotel chains have a rewards program that reward you for staying at their hotels. Every time you stay at their hotel, you accrue points, earning yourself a free night's stay, sooner or later. We average 1 free night at a hotel a year. Not a lot you say? That's $100/year more that I didn't have!
• Gas Rewards: This past summer, we were planning to take a LONG road trip, and by this time, I was already in the "savings" groove. I was looking for deals and coupons on everything from attractions, to food, to even gas! Gas was so expensive this summer, and my current credit cards were only earning me 3% rewards. I was at my local gas station, and saw an advertisement for a gas credit card that promised a 5 center per gallon savings. I read the fine print and realized that for "well-qualified" applicants, you could save 5% a gallon. This worked out to a whopping 18 cents a gallon at that time! You are limited to a savings of $15.00 a month, which we usually hit, but this has saved us $180/year!
• Sewing and Embroidery: I used to watch my grandmothers and ladies in my church sew, but I never really had much of an interest until I realized that I could save money by doing it. Not only have I developed a new skill, but I am able to make all of my kids' pajamas for half the price that I would pay in store. In addition, I sew my daughter's "fancy" dresses, and I was able to make costumes for my church's live nativity this year. Also, I've discovered that articles of clothing that I would've previously discarded can be mended, AND I can make inexpensive baby/wedding gifts, saving us about $340/year. In addition, I have been asked to make holiday stockings, baby burp cloths and bibs for hire! Not only am I saving money here, but I'm earning it too!
  
• Bartering: I was looking at ads on craigslist for firewood, and I noticed one poster said that they would trade for their firewood. This got me to thinking that if he would do this, others might do it as well. This year, we have been able to trade unneeded items for our firewood, saving us $300 already this year!
• Babysitting: Babysitting has long been an expensive luxury for my husband and I. But I've found a solution. Several of my friends and I were talking the other day about the fact that we can never go out with our husbands because we can't find (or afford) quality child care. We decided that we would trade with each other in order to avoid this expense. While I watch their kids this Friday night, they watch mine tomorrow night, giving us free, quality childcare, AND investing in one another's families. It's a win/win situation, and if we do this once a month, it will save us $360/year!
• Tithes and Offerings: You may be asking how giving money saves you money. I can't explain it, but giving God what belongs to Him ALWAYS makes sense. It may not make sense with pencil and paper, but it makes sense when we trust in God to provide for our needs. We never need put trust in our jobs, our checkbooks, our bank accounts, and our own resources to provide. Paying our tithe PLUS an offering may be an obedience issue for you at first, but it will become a love issue eventually. I invest in God's ministry because I believe in it. Giving an offering above my tithe tells God that I love Him, and it's the very least I can do to thank Him for providing for my family.
  

Long Time

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything on here. I've often wanted to, but never put my thoughts into action.

Since my last post, the worst (and best) times of ministry have taken place. Our church split. The pain of that whole ordeal was greater than even I imagined, and I could never want to come through that again. Since that time, we've tried to heal, although discouragement, despair, worry, and regret all took over...or seemed to at least.

Over the summer, we did some outreach events, and I confess, my heart wasn't all the way in them. I couldn't stop thinking about all that had happened and all that could STILL happen.

I knew in my heart and in my mind that God would provide a harvest if we were faithful to do our part. It's just in the last 2 months, God has blessed our efforts, and OH, is He blessing!

It's exciting to be a part of what God is doing, and it's exciting to be used.

Grief

I'm so thankful for God's presence in the midst of grief. I myself am not grieving the loss of a loved one, but last night I received a call to comfort a grieving family. After an all-night, ugly, painful scene of attempting to extend God's grace, I am worn out. It's 2:30 in the morning, and I can't get the hurt out of my mind.

A son took his own life after overdosing on crystal meth. I'm not sure exactly how the scene played out, but the 33 year old son, father, brother, nephew, and grandson is gone. No more will they have to worry about his safety; however, now they wonder about his soul.

As I drove to their home to gasp out some comforting words, I cried and wept for the situation I was about to witness. My wildest dreams did not compare to the grieving family I was about to observe. The raw hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion did much to educate a young pastor in a short amount of time.

I came away a few minutes ago exhausted from the sheer emotional stress I was and am still under. I can't stop asking questions like, "How will they ever get through this?" "Will they ever get through this?" and "What in the world can I say to help?" There are no words. There is no amount of hugging I can do to erase the pain. Only God can heal.

I just finished listening to the song, "Jesus, Jesus". It says,

Jesus, Jesus,
Sweetest Rose of Sharon
Bright and Morning Star
Jesus, Jesus
Fairest of Ten thousand, most beautiful by far

One thing I know and am trying desperately to communicate to this family. God is good. And His grace will be sufficient and His strength will be made perfect in our weakness.

And I thought about the concept I was trying to get across to them, I realized that His grace is sufficient for me as well, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness too. Thanks be to a loving sustaining God that walks with us and speaks through us.

I wish people understood the bonding that takes place in a pastor's heart and mind when they help a family through a tragedy. For me, it's like they become my family and I become responsible for their well-being. My sleep is interrupted constantly of thoughts for them and I can't help but breathe a prayer every time I roll over or fluff my pillow while I'm asleep. My mind is consumed with their tear streaked faces, and I will not get over these pictures until their loved one is buried, maybe even longer than that. It's exhausting, it's burdensome, but it's oh so fulfilling to know that God has made a difference by using me.

Humbled

Heath and I are in the midst of deep research on co-pastors. There's not a lot of us out there, but the trend is growing. I don't like calling it a trend because it feels like we're calling it a fad. But at any rate, the model of co-ministry is growing.

As I was doing this research, I came across one Mary Lee Cagle. She actually led her future husband Henry to the Lord during one of her revival campaigns in 1897. In 1900, they were married, and the two worked together for the next 50 years as pastors, district superintendents, evangelists, and church planters with the Church of the Nazarene. In 1927 as circumstances had dictated, Henry was district superintendent in Texas while Mary Lee worked as the district evangelist. Her report to the 1927 District Assembly said:

"Our work has not been with the larger churches, but with the weak, struggling ones. I have held 13 revival meetings, preached 175 times, saw 216 converted and 118 sanctified, and... have travelled about 10,000 miles in a car and have made a few trips on the train. I have [visited] practically all of the churches in the district and some of them more than once. "

I don't know if I'm the only one or not, but her statements convict me to the core. What are we doing? Pastors today are so busy complaining and whining about unsupportive church members, finances, and seeker-friendly facilities, that we've totally neglected what we should be about. As I read Rev. Cagle's report, I felt unworthy to even write about her life. We've got to get busy. And when we stand before God, please don't let me be standing next to her!

Some days I wonder if I can keep going. Some days it seems like I'm just going to cave in from emotional exhaustion. I was raised a pastor's kid and saw first hand the stresses that pastors face. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into--until I became one myself. I was, to say the last, unprepared for the extreme pressure of leading a spiritual body of people. I face the realization every day that I stand responsible for the spiritual well being of 75 people! I stand responsible and will answer to God for the things I preach, teach, say, and do to influence them. I realize quite often that my decisions, actions, and words will reach into eternity. This is not some ordinary corporate leadership role. My decisions will not altar the economic crisis nor will I ever find the answer to health care reform. My decisions reach further.

The very thought of this makes my head spin and my heart skip a beat. My stomach is in my throat and I feel as though I'm going to be sick. I need to sit down a moment. But wait. God is with me. He speaks through me, and He has the power to infiltrate my thought process so that I can have the mind of Christ. I need to get to know Him more intimately. So that when I act, it is God acting through me.